Saturday, June 11, 2011
Searching
I wish i knew what happened to me. I need a pause button. A stop button, a rewind button, something like that. For the first time in my life i feel like it should end here. Just end. I really don't see the point of having to continue really. Sure, a million other people are gonna just tell me to hang in there, everything's gonna get better, we care. Thing is, do you guys really? I find myself in a situation where i'm cut off from the world. Mum didn't pay the phone bill so i'm stuck with a prepaid plan with a new number and because i decided to be nice i didn't text that number out to everyone on my contact list. So it seems that while the world around me moves on i'm... well... left behind. At least it sure as hell seems like it. And the people who know the number i'm using, well, that's just another story altogether. I just thought these people were the ones who'd matter you know? Guess i was wrong. I can actually count the number of people who have my new number with one hand, that's a first. People are selfish. That's the number one lesson that i was taught, i never chose to believe it, i never subscribed to it. I never had to even though it really hurt. I once said this to someone once, don't let anyone ever decide for you what kind of friend you should be to someone else because thats the kind of friendship that you think they deserve and if you get hurt in the process you learn from it but you don't let that change the quality of the friendship that you give because that's just who you are. Yet here i am faced with the decision to change just that. I knew it was gonna be hard, i just never knew it was gonna be this hard. I hate what's going on now. I hate that i have to go through everything that i've gone through cause its just not fair. I didn't have to go through all that, yet i still chose to. I keep getting slapped in my face for it but i still smile and push on and then some. But the worst is when i get slapped in the face by the one whom you're doing it for. And i still push on and smile. Its to the point where i'm numb. I can't feel, i don't want to feel anymore.
thought @
5:40 PM;
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Reality check
Looks like i got what i wanted, i've become an enigma to you, not the way i envisioned it but nonetheless, from the events that've transpired i figure its pretty much for the best. I can see happiness coming into your life, not the kind that you want, but maybe more the kind that you truly want. Whether i can be part of it or not is a different issue entirely. I checked and questioned and i realise it really doesn't matter, not only that, it doesn't make much of a difference. I must humbly admit that i am in fact hurt. I am but human. But in this hurt there's more than meets the eye. I made the mistake of letting my emotions get the better of me 2day but i will never let that happen again. You don't deserve that satisfaction, regardless of what i've done. But more importantly, everyone else deserves the best that i can offer them. I'm just sorry you're not one of them.
thought @
12:15 AM;
Monday, April 4, 2011
Question.
Can the world still go on without Superman?
thought @
12:23 AM;
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Never Gone
Rewind the day to Friday. On the way out to get stuff for the dancers i saw patches of blood on the floor, apparently someone either got attacked and started to bleed. The fact that it was located beside a primary school didn't make things more comforting. Kinda unnerved me. So while i was caught up musing in my world wondering how i was gonna survive that day's dance practice i placed it totally out of my mind until dance was over and i was left to my own thoughts. Its when i realised that had it been a school day, students from MI might've been involved with whatever happened there. Given that it was MI Run and everyone was moved to West Coast and that most, if not all were grumbling about having to attend the run and be placed under the hot sun. We were placed in a perfectly safe place. God is good. Not only to me but also the ppl around me, sometimes, that speaks more to me than anything cause He knows my heart and what and who it holds. I know i haven't exactly been the best example of a Christian and neither have i been a nominal one let alone be a disciple. But at this place where i'm placed in a myriad of confusion, i'm thrilled that i can still hear the voice of God. I can't promise my commitment, at least not yet and i don't know when, but its always comforting to know that no matter what Your arms are open for me to run back to.
thought @
5:54 PM;
Monday, March 7, 2011
Let me remain a puzzle that cannot be solved yet integral to the whole skematics of the world so that i may still exist in the vast universe we call life. Let me be the puzzle that solves that all for you.
thought @
9:05 PM;
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
21 on
Its funny, you spend some time chasing something/someone you thought you really want and when you're that damn close to getting it you realise its nothing near what you want. There's a significant level of frustration bubbling below the surface that i'm refusing to show, what it comes out as is irritation towards several people around me. I know what i've done wasn't the nicest thing to do but to be very honest it was the right thing to do and when we're living our separate lives in the future we'd look back and be glad this happened. I guess i'm past justifying what i've done already, there is one reasons out of the many that i did what i did, there's a small part of me that's asking if i did the right thing or not, its a 99% resolve. That one reason makes up most of the 99%. Its getting harder and harder to place this smile here for the sole purpose of having the smile. I wish that they'd understand, i wish it'd all go away because i'm not tired tired, i'm tired of having to pretend that i'm fine, tired of pretending that i don't mind it when i figuratively get slapped in my face, tired of being treated like a welcome mat, tired of being kept in the dark, i'm just tired. I know that by coming back it won't change the circumstances that i'm placed in. I know that it won't magically turn everything into rainbows and sunshine. But i need to feel the rain every once in a while. I think what i need to do is to finish up the CTs asap, do well, ensure my place in school then disappear and recover for a while, i can't keep the smile here all the time, i know its needed but i can't find myself anymore, i lost myself somewhere in all of this.
thought @
10:00 PM;
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Blasted
The past few hours have been very insightful for me. At the request of a close friend, i shall do what i've been scared to do for so long. My readers should know that i don't scare easily, but i guess because this involves my future its scary. But i shall do as i've promised and basically just suck it up and do it. The issue at hand can only be settled when i do what i've promised to do which leaves me very much with nothing else i can do. I am... humbled, by the events that have transpired tonight and its just a reminder of how great God has been in my life, just how blessed i truly am, and how i've not been thankful for everything that's been placed in my life. Its true we always feel that the grass is greener on the other side, as said by someone whom i respect, how am i gonna be contented then? In another perspective, how can God increase when all i'm gonna think is that its still not enough, for me to do the things He's asked me to. So yeah, its an epiphany i guess. On a side note, i'm procrastinating what i'm supposed to do by saying all this here. Moving on, main thing is i gotta be thankful for everything, from small to big, and everything in between. I just want things bigger so my future wife and kids needn't worry about stuff, basically to provide for all their needs and wants. You know what, i'ma go do what i'm supposed to do. Here goes...
thought @
2:08 AM;
