Reality Escape

Searching

2011-06-11T17:40:00.002+08:00

I wish i knew what happened to me. I need a pause button. A stop button, a rewind button, something like that. For the first time in my life i feel like it should end here. Just end. I really don't see the point of having to continue really. Sure, a million other people are gonna just tell me to hang in there, everything's gonna get better, we care. Thing is, do you guys really? I find myself in a situation where i'm cut off from the world. Mum didn't pay the phone bill so i'm stuck with a prepaid plan with a new number and because i decided to be nice i didn't text that number out to everyone on my contact list. So it seems that while the world around me moves on i'm... well... left behind. At least it sure as hell seems like it. And the people who know the number i'm using, well, that's just another story altogether. I just thought these people were the ones who'd matter you know? Guess i was wrong. I can actually count the number of people who have my new number with one hand, that's a first. People are selfish. That's the number one lesson that i was taught, i never chose to believe it, i never subscribed to it. I never had to even though it really hurt. I once said this to someone once, don't let anyone ever decide for you what kind of friend you should be to someone else because thats the kind of friendship that you think they deserve and if you get hurt in the process you learn from it but you don't let that change the quality of the friendship that you give because that's just who you are. Yet here i am faced with the decision to change just that. I knew it was gonna be hard, i just never knew it was gonna be this hard. I hate what's going on now. I hate that i have to go through everything that i've gone through cause its just not fair. I didn't have to go through all that, yet i still chose to. I keep getting slapped in my face for it but i still smile and push on and then some. But the worst is when i get slapped in the face by the one whom you're doing it for. And i still push on and smile. Its to the point where i'm numb. I can't feel, i don't want to feel anymore.

Reality check

2011-04-09T00:15:00.003+08:00

Looks like i got what i wanted, i've become an enigma to you, not the way i envisioned it but nonetheless, from the events that've transpired i figure its pretty much for the best. I can see happiness coming into your life, not the kind that you want, but maybe more the kind that you truly want. Whether i can be part of it or not is a different issue entirely. I checked and questioned and i realise it really doesn't matter, not only that, it doesn't make much of a difference. I must humbly admit that i am in fact hurt. I am but human. But in this hurt there's more than meets the eye. I made the mistake of letting my emotions get the better of me 2day but i will never let that happen again. You don't deserve that satisfaction, regardless of what i've done. But more importantly, everyone else deserves the best that i can offer them. I'm just sorry you're not one of them.

Question.

2011-04-04T00:23:00.001+08:00

Can the world still go on without Superman?

Never Gone

2011-03-26T17:54:00.002+08:00

Rewind the day to Friday. On the way out to get stuff for the dancers i saw patches of blood on the floor, apparently someone either got attacked and started to bleed. The fact that it was located beside a primary school didn't make things more comforting. Kinda unnerved me. So while i was caught up musing in my world wondering how i was gonna survive that day's dance practice i placed it totally out of my mind until dance was over and i was left to my own thoughts. Its when i realised that had it been a school day, students from MI might've been involved with whatever happened there. Given that it was MI Run and everyone was moved to West Coast and that most, if not all were grumbling about having to attend the run and be placed under the hot sun. We were placed in a perfectly safe place. God is good. Not only to me but also the ppl around me, sometimes, that speaks more to me than anything cause He knows my heart and what and who it holds. I know i haven't exactly been the best example of a Christian and neither have i been a nominal one let alone be a disciple. But at this place where i'm placed in a myriad of confusion, i'm thrilled that i can still hear the voice of God. I can't promise my commitment, at least not yet and i don't know when, but its always comforting to know that no matter what Your arms are open for me to run back to.

2011-03-07T21:05:00.002+08:00

Let me remain a puzzle that cannot be solved yet integral to the whole skematics of the world so that i may still exist in the vast universe we call life. Let me be the puzzle that solves that all for you.

21 on

2011-02-22T22:00:00.003+08:00

Its funny, you spend some time chasing something/someone you thought you really want and when you're that damn close to getting it you realise its nothing near what you want. There's a significant level of frustration bubbling below the surface that i'm refusing to show, what it comes out as is irritation towards several people around me. I know what i've done wasn't the nicest thing to do but to be very honest it was the right thing to do and when we're living our separate lives in the future we'd look back and be glad this happened. I guess i'm past justifying what i've done already, there is one reasons out of the many that i did what i did, there's a small part of me that's asking if i did the right thing or not, its a 99% resolve. That one reason makes up most of the 99%. Its getting harder and harder to place this smile here for the sole purpose of having the smile. I wish that they'd understand, i wish it'd all go away because i'm not tired tired, i'm tired of having to pretend that i'm fine, tired of pretending that i don't mind it when i figuratively get slapped in my face, tired of being treated like a welcome mat, tired of being kept in the dark, i'm just tired. I know that by coming back it won't change the circumstances that i'm placed in. I know that it won't magically turn everything into rainbows and sunshine. But i need to feel the rain every once in a while. I think what i need to do is to finish up the CTs asap, do well, ensure my place in school then disappear and recover for a while, i can't keep the smile here all the time, i know its needed but i can't find myself anymore, i lost myself somewhere in all of this.

Blasted

2011-01-04T02:08:00.002+08:00

The past few hours have been very insightful for me. At the request of a close friend, i shall do what i've been scared to do for so long. My readers should know that i don't scare easily, but i guess because this involves my future its scary. But i shall do as i've promised and basically just suck it up and do it. The issue at hand can only be settled when i do what i've promised to do which leaves me very much with nothing else i can do. I am... humbled, by the events that have transpired tonight and its just a reminder of how great God has been in my life, just how blessed i truly am, and how i've not been thankful for everything that's been placed in my life. Its true we always feel that the grass is greener on the other side, as said by someone whom i respect, how am i gonna be contented then? In another perspective, how can God increase when all i'm gonna think is that its still not enough, for me to do the things He's asked me to. So yeah, its an epiphany i guess. On a side note, i'm procrastinating what i'm supposed to do by saying all this here. Moving on, main thing is i gotta be thankful for everything, from small to big, and everything in between. I just want things bigger so my future wife and kids needn't worry about stuff, basically to provide for all their needs and wants. You know what, i'ma go do what i'm supposed to do. Here goes...

Talking to the moon

2010-12-14T10:21:00.002+08:00

This is one of those times when i'm facing a familiar issue, again i don't want to get into it but again i find myself falling into it. I really don't like the feeling of uncertainty and then they tell me to have faith, if they only knew what i'm uncertain of and what the situation really is. For this however i feel i can only say nothing to no one, only between me and God and somehow i feel its enough. We all go through our own normal lives, i said it myself, whether we fall in love or out of love, whether we get that job or we get fired, the world around us still goes on, injury or not, the world moves on, the birds are still flying, the fishes are still swimming and God is still good. Its a pain i've to bear for now, i know that on some level i'm doing the right thing by not saying anything, it'll be a secret, one i fear may reflect in my actions and so as much as it further pains me i shall be indifferent. Objective. If i could you know i would, i just don't really know what to do or why or really just why, what's the reason behind this?

Lets go to Narnia (and this post is, FOR NARNIA!!!!!)

2010-12-04T00:25:00.002+08:00

I don't like this feeling because it sucks. (Duh) At this point i really wish i could go to Narnia. Seeing as people tell me i pretty much belong there. I wish i knew where this was headed and what's on everyone's mind. So i'd know what to do and what not to do. Because once more i feel like i'm being held out on. I miss the days where i didn't read so much into everything, because back then everything was just so much less complicated. Now its like i'm overcomplicating things and me not likey it. While part of me is saying no the other part is saying go and then there's a small part that says why not just stay where you are cause it took you so damn long to get here, must we start chasing butterflies again? The ever elusive butterfly. I thank Bruno Mars for the song Just The Way You Are, cause it speaks volumes and the song Nothing on You. Cause yeah. What i'm trying to say i dun really know but maybe when you find My Narnia you'll finally understand, funny thing is i'm actually wondering if i can let you in. Don't disappoint me.

Music

2010-11-01T00:48:00.002+08:00

I think its the greatest gift that God has ever given to mankind. Even to those who can't sing, the sound that they make is still the sweetest sound to their most loved ones. Its so often described that when you hear the voice of the one you love, its likened to hearing the choirs of heaven intertwined with the harps of the angels all at once, fused into an endless melody you never want to stop. For years, 20 to be exact, I have been a music buff, not a hardcore one but just enough to know the songs that are good and the ones that are really awesome. My tastes are preferential though and i guess that speaks a lot about me. Oh yes, music speaks about our personalities as well, in a way, it transforms us, emo songs turn us into emotionally inclined people, whereas metal... well lets just say it gives us a more interesting take on life. My tastes pretty much vary i guess, i don't really have a specific genre that i listen to, i pretty much love each and every bit of it. I used to get blasted for listening to 50 Cent, Eminem and well rap in general, i still do, then the same for R&B. I guess one word to describe music would be influential. The reason why i'm posting this is i guess because of influence. "Nick and Norah's Endless Playlist" go check it out when you have the chance, you won't regret it, especially if you're a music lover. I guess it truly personified what music means to me, from expression of my feelings to coping with them. I can't remember the countless times where i'm experiencing a certain emotion and can't express it then all of a sudden a song that fits your emotion perfectly comes along and bam there you go, either the tears start flowing or you start smiling ear to ear or you just reach out to the person whom you've wronged and just tell them you're sorry. So i guess music really does heal your soul. I dunno about you, sometimes God speaks to me through songs, they don't have to all be Christian songs, He knows i can't do that just yet. But He knows how to really get me with certain songs at certain times. Don't underestimate the power of music people, it moves you, and whether you know it or not, when you hear it, it reverberates the inner recesses of your heart and soul and either heals you or destroys you, like it or not, it somehow becomes part of you, makes you wanna be careful of what you listen to as well.

2010-10-03T00:06:00.002+08:00

I was browsing through my facebook photos just now, haven't done so in a while, personally speaking i haven't really spent much time in facebook, i can't and don't want to lie so i'll be real and honest here, it hurts for me to spend time there because i don't want to view and at the same time i'm reminded of what happened. So lets back track 4 months ago, i created an album with the photos i took at an animal shelter where i met a cat, a kitten named Eaglet. Little did i know that kitten was me, trapped in a cage full of energy not knowing why i was in that cage, not knowing how come i was abandoned, rejected, yet liking it. Its funny that it should come full circle 2day. In disciple class mum mentioned something about me being rebuked at 1 month. It hurt, no kidding, really cut me, would've left too i guess, why i stayed i dun really know, maybe on some level i really wanted to be more serious about my walk with God. The other reasons i dun really wanna state them here, but yeah. Then mum started to tell me i'm meant to soar, to be independent, like an eagle and to be self sufficient, "throwing me into the shark pool" the most independent creatures i know are cats. Funny that the one that would make me remember her so much would be the one called Eaglet, the one that tried her hardest to get my attention... 2 months later i joined CMC. It never occurred to me till 2day. Kinda puts God in a bigger light no? That cat was trapped in a cage, abandoned, i wanted to bring her home, so badly. Just like how i was trapped in my own life and God wanted to grant me a free life. In my case i couldn't because i already have 3 cats at home and didn't trust they wouldn't fight, in God's case for me, i kinda didn't realise, like Eaglet, i thought i was living it up there in the cage, i had a 3 storey cage to myself. I thought it was the life, i was safe. In this discomfort that i feel, i know i'm growing, i'm seeing new things and i know that this novelty with God will never end, my Father will never cease to amaze me, to knock me off my feet in a good sense and to show me His power and glory. I haven't even started to do my QT and He's already spoken to me. That's love right there.

Angel

2010-10-01T11:32:00.001+08:00

Living it up on high above

Floating down on wings of doves

Bringing true and peaceful joy

Animosity she came to destroy

Tension dissipates the moment you enter

The air lays still as i'm caught in your rapture

Finding it hard to breathe all of a sudden

A true love's meaning of a heart so ardent

A price to pay, you clipped your wings

In exchange your life fulfilled to bring

Each and everyday a fight for her heart

A raging war on each of their part

To lay down my life for a cause so noble

To hold your hand as we admire the steeple

To be your knight in shining bright white armour

To stand with her in the face of disasters

With the dust around settling down

When no one else is around

Searching the battle field to see her angelic face

Fearing that she'd disappear without a trace

Once more light shining from above

You float down gently filled with love

But this time to him she's an angel no more

She's become him, the part that he truly adores.

In the midst of this...

2010-09-13T22:14:00.002+08:00

I'm frustrated, can't deny that, i'm caught in all this and i'm not even sure what "this" really is. Off the top of my head once more, there's that girl, there's the struggle to die to myself once more (honestly how many times can i die till i'm considered dead?), then there's the part of me that wonders if i'm really gonna make it to next year, so along with all my fears, my insecurities there comes the resolve, some part of me knows i'm being swayed and though its frustrating yes irritating me to the point its making me clench my fists and start pounding them on a random given surface i will still do what i have to do, because i know i have to. My resolve still stands, no matter how tiring it gets how irritating it feels how much false condemnation i feel how much heat i'm taking i'll still do it. I'll say that prayer once more, stick my head out and go through with it. I'm not expecting anyone who reads this to understand part of me does either, i just know i have to do it, to get there, somewhere, i'm guided, i'm in the darkness but i know i'm not alone. I have the majority with me, God. I will fight.

Casting Crowns - East to West

2010-08-12T23:03:00.003+08:00

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you've cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned but today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your [T]ruth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me

Jesus, you know just how far
The East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
(The arms of your mercy I find rest)
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other(x2)

(Just how far, the East is from the West) (x3)

From one scarred hand to the other

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm lucky to be here. I'm not lucky, i'm truly blessed and whenever i think about it i am humbled beyond words that a King, THE King of Kings laid His life down for me. So that i can live a life free from condemnation cause He doesn't condemn me, not once. We go through life sometimes doing things we don't wanna do, sometimes we make mistakes that we can't change, people wrong us or the other way round, it hurts and sometimes hurts doesn't even begin to describe how we feel. Jesus died on the cross for us so that we don't have to feel that, instead we feel liberation and we turn our face towards Him, only if we look to Him. I turned away and realized my mistake, like what i told Mum Serene, "i had enough of running away, i'm staying..." Don't run away from God, don't run away from love, don't run away from the truth, the beauty in it is that He was always there, all you gotta say is "I believe".

I'll listen

2010-08-02T21:24:00.002+08:00

I think the saying God answers prayers is really true, just that in my case He's really been answering them and i just keep asking for assurance after assurance and well basically defeating the purpose of faith in His coming through and so blocking out His voice, and well in that same light blocking God out as well. I felt the need to say this cause... well i just felt i had to say it, maybe to serve as a reminder to myself as well, it's not like i'm the best listener to God either and so i think its time for me to hear what He has to say, no matter how painful. I choose to see this pain as something good, whatever i have to go through is good and will prosper me, not just me but my children as well, i see it and will possess that destiny, just that i have to make sure that i'm deserving of that very destiny and that i don't forget the Awesome One who brought me there in the first place, God.

Crush(ed)

2010-07-12T23:46:00.003+08:00

A friend of mine once told me, thats why its called a crush cause it crushes you and yeah, it really did. Made my day seem totally bleak actually, i had to somethings to make sure i stayed sane but thats something else, but yeah thats what it is supposed to be i guess. As i searched for some solace in the worldly realm i realised i could find none, its even sadder to realise that inside i was really really hurting but i couldn't let that out, i lost that ability. I'm not looking for reasons why it can't work out here and now, our life here is but temporary so maybe this plays out temporary, whether it does or not, it doesn't matter, i'll still love. I have to thank Mum Serene for talking to me, helping me and guiding me in praying, at the risk of sounding very vulnerable, i cried, inside i totally broke down i couldn't stand after that. Its hard to let go, no one ever said it was easy but i guess God knows what's best for us. We may not realize it now, we may even look back and wonder, but God knows best and likewise i want to obey His will. He is God, if it changes then it changes but in His time and He does it for love. I'll have to accept His love and pass it on in another way is all. Whether you read this or not, please know that i still consider you my biggest inspiration, i meant each and every single word i said and nothing will make me take them back, i love you Sis, always will. But like i said in the prayer, "Lord, I commit (you) into your hands, i let (you) go..."

It's coming

2010-07-10T01:30:00.002+08:00

I'm currently suffering from some strained arm thingy which i don't know how i got and my legs are almost non existent and yet at the same time every fiber of me is telling me to push on that there's something more to this. I ain't done yet. Then during prayer meet it was all about family and then it got me thinking about my family, my future family and eventually the one i'm gonna marry, i'm still not sure who it is but i'll need her to walk with me in my walk with God, i've learnt that with God in a relationship there's no way it can just be broken. How can one go wrong with a higher power that is Pure Love? I am imperfect so all that i can give is imperfect love, i can say that i can give you the world but i cannot give you all the love you need because it would still be imperfect. I need a godly woman who can understand that. That being said i have to be a godly man as well and because i know its hard in this world to find that godly woman i pray to be able to find and understand her because its the very least i can do for her, "Iron sharpens iron" right? So its here that i realise what they mean by "unequally yoked". Its also here that i understand what they mean by waiting for the right one to come along instead of rushing along with each and every feeling that i get. So, by putting this down here its quite hard for me actually cause all my life i've been looking for that love, i never did quite find it. I do believe that God has a godly woman out there for me and i may or may not have met her yet but i know she's there. I've always known and i never listened, but i've gotta learn to be submissive to authority right? So here i am, doing just that, i focus on You first Lord, show me the rest in Your own time, Amen.

Peek into the future

2010-07-07T23:44:00.002+08:00

Well having just come back from the very first CMC CG event, i can say i personally think it was a huge success, i kinda spent alot of time walking around the area, Euphony Gardens, reminiscing about the past, the flips into the pool, Aidil's failed senton, soya bean swimming pool, coke swimming pool, the fountain of dirty water which everyone uses to wash stuff anyways and of course the endless slew of pet dogs for the pet deprived people to play with (i was one of them)and so many other memories just flooded me and then when it was all over and the tiredness just kinda took a toll on me and i started to self reflect, i actually went back to the past, something i thought wouldn't be possible with a variation of the past, YMM + CMC friends and though i admit i ended the day worn out and exhausted beyond anything i've felt in my entire life, abdomen still feeling the after effects, i'm smiling, i wouldn't mind doing it another time. As i looked around the function room i saw family, yeah i know i've been saying it for so many times but its just that hard to put into words, think your own family gatherings, thats what i've got 2day. I'm all the more convinced that i'm right where i'm supposed to be.

The effects of rain on a heart

2010-07-03T23:09:00.002+08:00

Returning to God has definitely been one of the most crucial and important moments in my life, not only that, it has been a decision that i had to make so long ago yet chose to ignore. I used to wonder what it meant by eternal happiness much less fathom true happiness. I used to think that happiness and sadness came hand in hand and that you only look at the positive side to feel that happiness. I just came home from playing captain's ball in the rain. For the benefit of those who don't know, i absolutely love the rain, it cleanses the soul, it calms my heart, despite the splashing of water and the thunder and every other noise that comes with it, it quietens down my soul. I played not with friends. I played with family. When i played, i didn't see friends playing in a team, i saw a family working as a unit. Guess what i'm really trying to say is that i saw love. It didn't matter what the score was, it didn't matter if we won or lost, ultimately we all won. Its times like this that i think back and think how lucky i've been to be saved by true love, the one thing that we spend our whole lives searching for or trying to give, but always fall short. We are but human and we are inperfect, how can true love come from something imperfect? We may claim that we love truly without reserve, but really, do we? Even if we do, we have our limits and its there that we fall short. To those who have yet to experience this love, please take my advice and seek the power of love, the power of God. Not for old time's sake but from the very depths of my heart and no matter how imperfect it is, i love you, cause He loved me first.

Cup Noodles

2010-06-24T00:35:00.002+08:00

When i was really young, my grandma would always ask me around 10 plus in the evening if i was hungry and if i wanted to eat anything, the answer was usually yes, so what she'd do is she'd take out cup noodles and she'd begin to peel off the cup. Yes, my grandma is the only person i know that cooks cup noodles like that. Yes, she knows that all it takes is for you to pour hot water in, cover the lid and then you're done. It didn't occur to me then, but as i grew up i asked her why she did that cause by then i had already been cooking cup noodles myself, (the only form of cooking i knew back then) and her reply would be simply be this, "If i cook it like that i wouldn't be able to add in the eggs, the meat and the vegetables and you wouldn't fully enjoy the meal." Yes, only my grandma could consider eating cup noodles a meal and yes, she's i'm always reminded of that whenever i eat cup noodles.

2010-06-02T00:09:00.005+08:00

"The concept of a stuffed toy is an interesting one, it replaces the one we long to hold in our arms. The idea however is flawed, sometimes the only thing that we need is the one we long to hold, thats where the stuffed toy stands for naught."

"Love is irrational so slap the next person that says you need a reason to love"

"When in doubt laugh it off, when you're in trouble face it with a smile, when you're up to your neck in shit, do both."

"First and last, for now and forever, no matter how much it hurts. That much i can guarantee."

Saturday...

2010-05-30T00:48:00.002+08:00

Lets see.... stayed home majority of the day... so... bored bored bored bored, nothing to do, don't really feel like studying cause my head is throbbing, still, i miss my sports like mad, everyone is sleeping and i feel like playing the guitar to wake them up, just to see their reaction =) I can hardly wait for the freaking marmalade chalet... cause quite frankly my holidays look pretty packed with... holiday lessons only, exciting no? I think i'll go play frisbee 2mw... hmm....

"If you ever miss me, close your eyes and you'll see me there, but frankly speaking you don't have to, cause no matter what it is, know that i'll always be in your heart as you are in mine. And if i ever need some help getting through the day, its what i do."

Part 2

2010-05-28T01:36:00.002+08:00

So its the last day of school and to be honest i think the last 2 weeks have been the most "awake" days for me, at least i know what i'm doing and where the hell i'm going as compared to just stoning through the day itself and then everything gets meshed into one so yeah. That being said i just came home from the "Taming" play, i gotta say it was somewhat interesting, i'm actually tired as hell but the week has been quite hellish for me so i wanna unwind b4 i start 2mw or go to sleep for that matter. For those of you who don't know, i was barred from the promos on Tuesday, i eventually managed to cut a deal that allowed me to take my exams but speaking from experience standing at that point when they tell you that you've been barred your mind really just goes blank at that instant. Irony was that as i was walking to school that very morning i was just thinking to myself that i should really seriously start mugging, life's like that ain't it? So as i've got a 4 week holiday ahead of me, or 1 month as some would prefer, i think i should spend some part of it studying and of course catching up on some sleep but first i think i need to rewire my mentality because sometimes life just calls for it, you've to change your mindset about alot of things, sometimes to avoid being hurt, to avoid being taken advantage and stuff like that but ultimately it all leads to the situation becoming better so yeah thats what i'll do. One thing i've learnt from the play? Sometimes kindered souls are the ones that share the most passionate "love" and i think this is the only instance where love can choose not to exist but still grow.

Hurt

2010-05-23T21:00:00.002+08:00

"Everything's so blurry, and everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty, and everything is so messed up
Preoccupied without you, I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you, I stumbled and I crawl
you could be my someone you could be my scene
You know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us, and that's not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When you shoved it in my face,
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When you shoved it in my face"

Puddle of Mudd - Blurry

Who are you

2010-05-21T21:22:00.002+08:00

In this whole process of growing up, in the last few years, i've been through a lot. Some self imposed, some i just had to go through, others i had to relearn and some i just had to forget. What i didn't realise was that i forgot one very important thing, to love. I forgot what it was like to care for someone to the point where you'd sacrifice sleep and energy knowing that you're not functioning at 100% physically and mentally to visit her in the early hours of the morning, the feeling of waking up in the morning with a bigger purpose than just simply waking up because you have to, the sky seeming clearer and brighter and my mind more constantly thinking. I lost all of that. Why am i saying all this? Simple. I lost myself because i was more proud of who i was back then than i am now and frankly speaking this guy here i do not like, i do not respect i do not want to continue and yet i found no reason not to. Until you. You brought me back hope i thought was condemned to a place i could never reach, gave me reason i thought i'd never see logic in and in terms of logic yes you did nothing and i could very well be lying to myself but once more i find myself standing at the edge of a cliff waiting to take that leap of faith when normally i'd be in the barren plains miles away from that same exact cliff. So all i'm asking from you now is a chance to let me live, not just as a you and me, but a us.

2010-05-18T20:15:00.000+08:00

After so long, it finally happened and now its like this...

Feel

2010-05-17T22:56:00.002+08:00

Simply put, i don't like the way the house has just left my life like that. I am homeless now and there's not a damn thing i can do about it but to shut the hell up and smile at the people who lost it for me and act fazed about it. I'm sorry if i'm not at that "matured" level i'm supposed to be at but maybe try burning everything you own and then you'll understand how i feel. Its not the material, but what it stood for, what i represented. Now i've lost that, thanks alot.

Contract.

2010-05-16T17:11:00.003+08:00

Past week has been whack, after being late for the millionth time i finally got suspended and experienced what life was like having suspension in MI. Frankly speaking its exactly as i expected it would be, minus the people to talk to part though most your friends drop by to laugh at you, say hey, irritate you, ask you random questions and in Louis' case come to "save me" by attempting to nibble at the table i was sitting. All of that? Appreciated yes, i was bored to bits. Anyways, cause yours truly was suspended indefinitely i had to get my mum/dad down to save my ass so that i could go back to class, my mind immediately went to, can't i save my own sorry ass myself? And believe me i tried, though i think i didn't try hard enough cause mum still came down, long story short i signed some contract and have to come to school early, and by early i mean early like b4 7.45 early and can't skip school something i treasure so so very dearly, in my opinion there are several things more important than school and thing is, while i enjoy studying at my own pace, the system should sometimes be thrown out the window. So here i am on a rainy Sunday afternoon trying to piece my thoughts together getting back into the fast paced momentum of this thing and trying to find some joy in becoming a "slave" to this uniformity with society, in case you're wondering, yes i am whining and yes i'm gonna do it, cause mama's in the hospital, last thing i'd want is for her to worry anymore than she already is.

Hello

2010-04-27T23:13:00.001+08:00

I think i need to finish up my PI soon. So, once i'm more awake i'll go do it. Which means i'm gonna go sleep now. After i say that its been a long time since i was last here huh?

Update

2010-04-06T14:24:00.002+08:00

Its gonna be childhood meets present day me when my grandma finally moves in with me, i gotta admit, i haven't been bloggin for the longest time cause i really felt it would've been better for me to hold certain things in me and let them stay there, as much as i'd hate to admit it i may have actually reached my breaking point, i found myself stoning in the library yesterday actually wondering abt some stuff and basically losing the passion for several others. Can't say this has been the smoothest transition i've had but with Mama lying in hospital on top of a heap full of crap that is supposedly "self-created" yes its taken a toll on me. Frankly speaking i just wanna fade away for now cause i don't think i'll be able to live up to the expectations that some people have placed on me, i never once tried to be superman, i'm far from that, all i've ever wanted to be was to be able to love freely. I've realised that i've been holding that back, for several reasons. So in case you're wondering, yes, i am, physically, mentally and spiritually broken up and the pieces are strewn so far around i have no idea which part to pick up 1st. Yet i know that out there i'm needed, so can i say that i won't be around for at least a while?

Post CNY

2010-02-17T23:06:00.002+08:00

I lost my voice so thats a good thing, i've been trying to find it but lately it seems that it doesn't wanna be found, i'm coughing my guts out while trying to control my coughing fits, it sounds as though i'm gonna die a horrible coughing death, like cough while crossing the road and not see the car coming HAHAHAHAHA... On a less morbid note, CNY was awesome, i've never had so much fun b4. Yes there were egos and all that and this year round there wasn't much of the cheer going on but then there was still the whole idea of CNY around, it is however the last CNY we're ever gonna celebrate at no.5 Lim Ah Pin. So yeah its somewhat really bittersweet, its really the place i grew up in. In fact the whole stretch of road was where i grew up in. Can't believe it's actually like gone... so much for childhood home... 20 years on and yeah a whole lot has changed... yeah 7 days ago i turned 20 and everything else in the world changed as well. I've been kinda lazy to upload the pics of what my awesome awesome frens gave me here so i'll just upload it on fb when i finish procrastinating and actually do something for the good of humanity.

Hey there =)

2010-02-08T23:22:00.001+08:00

I realize its been a while since i was last year so since i'm done with my P.I and am coughing like crazy so i can't sleep yet i'll do a quick quick update. I'm still working for Marmalade Pantry (their food ROCKS), I've got the same HTs as last year (bittersweet no i ain't class rep), i haven't skipped school in a while (so i should soon), MI is getting more retarded (the early morning runs and the new detention thingy really doesn't work), i'm still playing frisbee (seems to be my only outlet), sleep is a luxury (one that i'll skip school to afford)i wanna go meet all the year ones (they seem like a pretty cool bunch), i'll be taking part in this year's transcendence (why i'm not exactly sure....) my childhood was just sold for (so that sucks).

Hey guys...?

2010-02-01T21:41:00.003+08:00

This is an apology, for everyone that i've ever offended, wronged or hurt. I understand the fact that i'm nowhere near perfect and i do realise that my attitude and behaviour in the recent weeks haven't exactly been myself. There's just a whole lot going on for me right now and yes i acknowledge the fact that it still doesn't give me the right to be as i am now. I can only hope for your forgiveness and for a second chance and all i can say right now is that i'm sorry, so very very sorry.

2am

2010-01-28T02:02:00.002+08:00

You know how sometimes people appear to be strong and its really awesome how they seem unfazed by everything and anything, its almost like they can handle anything, kinda like Superman. Then when they eventually fall. Cause even Superman has kryptonite. What if that someone was your Superman, then what? Imagine a scenario where a friend of yours locked his/herself in a room, there's only one entrance and its locked, no windows no phone, just your friend and he/she's bleeding slowly, dying. But thing is the doors locked and while you know what's happening in there but there's a 5mm thick lead door stopping you from going in there to save your friend. You've got the bandages you've got the needle and thread to sew that gashing wound and you've even got the miracle elixer of removing scars should that need arise but the only things you don't have are the tools to open that door, how'd you feel? What would you do?

Year 2 life...

2010-01-20T19:00:00.001+08:00

So far? It kinda sucks.

2009

2010-01-09T01:13:00.002+08:00

I know this is kinda late but it made more sense to me to think about it b4 i went ahead and said anything. 09 brought along with it a whole new level of experiences in my life. With it came the 2nd class i was facing when i retained in MI, new friends of course and a whole new mentality but most importantly and personally this was the year that saw me come back to God and once more ignited the fire that burned out so long ago to want to serve Him, not just in church but in my life beyond service. I just wanna say that through all the ups and downs i learnt a new lesson in that and simply cause for each and every scenario that i was put in was with someone that means something to me, or in other words someone that i give a damn about, so most definitely the memories and lesson learnt would be held close to my heart. One was the Amazing Race the interns did for the Kumamoto students, i recall 3 weeks of "hell" but when we ran the thing everything went smoothly but the most important thing there was that i had the honour of working with the best council batch i've ever seen in the 2 years that i've been in MI. Another was my class, though we did have our differences here and there i gotta say that they've been the biggest blessing in 09 cause not once have they ever left me alone to my own devices, knowing that sometimes the adage that "we are our own worst enemy" sometimes rings true, they were always there for me and never gave up on me even when i felt that i didn't deserve it, so really 09A1 you guys are truly awesome. Then of course there's Hope, the church i've been attending. From day one you guys really welcomed me into this new family of God and based on my Christmas cards, many saying i very "dao","fierce","act cool" etc, which btw was a good laugh =), you guys still welcomed me into this new family with no inhibitions and not once doubted if there was someone human under all the 1st impressions you guys had and to me that means a whole lot and it really brings forth the whole idea of a church being as one family.
As 2010 starts it's 1st month i don't know what it'll hold. But i just sincerely hope that whatever happens its all in God's will, that i'll still continue to mature in my spiritual walk in Him and of course not just for me but for everyone that we'll continue to shine and truly define the essence of being "salt and light of the world" =)

Christmas Spirit

2009-12-26T00:48:00.003+08:00

This year's theme of Christmas for Hope Church is Hope. I attended At The Door yesterday and left without any hope cause of some issues that rose and frankly speaking after what happened the hype for Christmas just really wasn't there anymore and this year's Christmas was just feeling somehow somewhat like another day. Other than the fact i slept most of it away i just kinda didn't have the Christmas Spirit in me as much as i thought i did so i kinda just went through whatever else i had planned and learnt something. Hope, is hard to kill. Even if you think there's no hope, its cause you're not looking hard enough. I have a friend whose birthday falls on the 25th of Dec and frankly speaking he kinda lives a miserable life, basically its just sad. So he finally has his 18th b-day 2day and he invited me over, so i kinda reluctantly agreed cause it meant waking up "early", but i promised and i still went and what i saw there just made me smile, more than that it gave me hope, my friend was playing the piano for all his guests and one of them was his grandmother, its the 1st time i'm meeting his whole family but that didn't stop his grandmother from asking me if i was enjoying the music that he was playing, he's from Laselle btw, so more of wanting not to hurt her feelings i said, "yeap he's really good =)" it wasn't until i saw how focused she was on him playing and how she kept whispering to her other grandkids that made me realise for all the people that he lives with and "can't stand him" his grandmother was absolutely proud of him, she was proud of the fact that her grandson could play the piano and that he was performing for everyone whether they wanted to hear him play or not (it was the 3rd performance of the night and nothing changed) but she still loved every minute of it. How does that give me hope? Cause it made me realise my grandma's just like that, as a kid i'd randomly scribble some lines on a piece of paper show it to her and she'd praise it to high heaven, i'd do the same thing a million over times and irritate the hell out of her the whole day and she'd still praise it to high heavens and when i asked her which one was the best she said all and i know that she meant what she said cause she never stopped praising me for every little accomplishment i've made throughout the years and if i'm thankful for anything this Christmas i'm thankful of her. =)

Camp

2009-12-17T11:18:00.002+08:00

I spent the last 3 days in camp so just in case anyone was wondering if i'd died then physically no. I'm still here =) Camp was in every sense of the word awesome, I went with the mindset that i'd wanna die in camp and i think i did, i died and got revived all thanks to the wonderful teachings and the unforgettable fellowship i had with the people in camp and one thing i realised is that even though these were people that i hardly ever knew, i wasn't as guarded as i was, another working of God. One of the things that really made me wake up was the word love. All over the camp all i could see was love, and the occasional cat but the main thing was love, how do i know? Simple, would anyone, dead tired from the night b4 seek out people they're supposed to talk to and when they eventually find them, sit down and really talk to them, heart to heart, not just because they have to but because they want to, if you're wondering how is this love, try sleeping 3 hours only the night b4 and then not sleeping the night after talking to a whole variety of people just cause the occasion calls for it. Let me tell you, it ain't easy. I've been saying this a whole lot but i never really experienced it till camp and thats really simple what i experienced, "If God is love and love has no boundaries then God is love beyond love." So often we say let God pour his love unto us so that we may use the overflowing love coming from us to love the people around us, at camp, everywhere i turned whatever i did, i was just reminded of how much God loves me, regardless of what i did or am going to do or felt like doing, He still loves me. So really, believe me when i say, I love you, whoever you are, i'm going to be there to hear you out, i'll celebrate your every triumph, placate your every fear, grieve your every loss but most importantly, tell you that i love you whenever you need love, simply because i was loved first =)

Flip

2009-12-12T12:30:00.002+08:00

Let me just begin by thanking God for giving me the time to sit in front of my computer for a while and for giving me such a comfortable chair to sit in =D the last 2 days were super awesome, super tiring, i've got body aches in places i didn't even know i had but its all worth it man. I'll begin with the chalet, District Meet! Its the 1st time i've ever attended such an event so i really didn't know what to expect, so basically when i went there, i knew i could expect fun immediately haha water games, war games, swimming pool, frisbee, rugby, soccer etc... what's not to have fun with? Though the midnight walk to the Spider Web was reaaaaaaaallllllllllllly draggy, it was still fun and good in the sense there was time to fellowship with my church peers, that and it brought back memories of SLE Camp. As expected, no one really slept there and it wasn't until i made the firm decision not to sleep that night that i realised i had work the nxt day, so fast forward to the nxt day and you get a super tired caffine-ated waiter trying his best to smile at each and everyone attending the event, so once that shift was over i thought hey finally some rest, then we had to rush to Ion... for the record, carrying a trolley across the entire lobby of the carpark and then up the escalator to the 1st floor and running around the perimeter of a shopping center looking for a van is not fun, it is however a good experience =) once at Ion, more trolley carrying! this time down stairs cause the lift wasn't working, so from 5th all the way down to 1st. Then while we were all completely exhausted, we had our briefing, 3 mins toilet break and *boomz* back to the usual routine of "More Champange for you Sir/Madam?" All the way till 2am and i'm thankful for my Uncle who drives a cab, i'm thankful for my Mum who left food out though i ate outside already, i'm thankful that i have 2 cats that warmed the bed for me though they refused to move eventually and i'm thankful for the few hours of sleep i managed to get cause tonight its the same cycle again... on another note, CHURCH CAMP IS 1 DAY AWAY!!!!!! =D

Jumper

2009-12-02T04:40:00.002+08:00

I hate silence, simply cause it brings you back to face yourself. The part of you that you've been avoiding for the majority of the year, you only seem to face it at times when you're down and out or when you're alone. I do agree with the saying that sometimes the biggest obstacle we have to overcome in life is ourselves and i'm not gonna lie, i've yet to come to that. This holiday i basically pulled myself away from most of my frens and i tried that, result? Well for one i miss them like hell, i've become more withdrawn and distant emotionally and quite frankly that scares the hell outta me cause it literally reflects when i look in the mirror. A cousin of mine introduced to me this song he heard from a movie, "Yes Man" its called Jumper and this line really struck me, "Everyone's got to face down the demons, Maybe today, You can put the past away" No one's perfect, if we appear normal and without a scratch that still doesn't mean that we're fine, we could be far from it and still never know. Thats what i learnt from myself cause one thing i've learnt is that i was so broken up inside that about several things i didn't even know where to begin healing myself. I'm in the process now but i dun wanna start the year with the pain that i have to live with. I wouldn't want this for anyone either, so i'm here, let me help you make it that much more bearable.

Stardust

2009-11-28T00:46:00.003+08:00

"I feel like stardust, so what's left of me i give to you. But pls be careful with me cause although i am but dust, i have the power to grant you that one very last wish and that would either bring you ultimate happiness or regret. But i trust that you hold it in the innermost of your heart and so i trust myself with you."

Nova ver 2.

2009-11-22T02:02:00.003+08:00

There's something i wanted to say but figured that i can't post it here cause it just somehow somewhat doesn't fit the description, i did leave it somewhere else. I feel its safer there. After all there is, only so many sides to a person one can find no?

My head.

2009-11-05T23:07:00.002+08:00

6 year old girl knew she had brain cancer and she left her family notes for them to find in the last 9 months she was alive to let them know that no matter what happened she still loved them, thats the kind of maturity and love she has. The drilling didn't stop till 5 but they were right the rain did bring some relief, it stopped the drilling for a while and the patter of rainfall drowned some of the sounds out. New Balance Real Run, its really a run. Crash Bandicoot. What the hell is a bandicoot anyways... some kinda fox? Someone should go up and stop the drilling... I'm hungry... The night's really really cold thank God for blankets. There's still school 2mw... greeeat but last day so might as well just go... Headache from staying up, wonderful...

Well thats it, pretty much my day, or at least the parts i'm willing to share, pretty boring no? =)

Reflected

2009-10-28T22:57:00.002+08:00

Its funny, i managed to get advanced into year 2 but the feelings of joy that i'm supposed to be feeling aren't really there, so in that sense i know how Derek and the rest of 08A3 felt when they saw me get CTE-ed and say goodbye to them. Gotta say, its harder than it seems. Turns out that you can't exactly tell anyone to leave because its for the best of them and not feel as though a part of you is dying inside. Last week's sermon was right, we WERE made for relationships and we WERE made to make them last. Saying goodbye to someone is like saying goodbye to a part of yourself, its never easy and it always hurts. As i walked around the school seeing the tear stained faces, the disappointment, the pleading and the occasional smiles of relief, i couldn't help but wonder where the hell was i last year when this happened and remembered i was somewhere having Derek and Faisal trying to tell me what exactly i should've done and should be doing and i kinda do thank them for that cause sincerely at that time i was thinking poly haha... if i had made that choice i have no idea where i'd be 2day. As for you guys out there, i just hope that everyone's ok, you know how to get me =) one call away.

Reason

2009-10-25T02:27:00.003+08:00

Something happened to me 2day and it kinda made me wonder why on earth do i just keep doing what i do, smiling like an idiot all the time (yes i know sometimes it makes me look like one) and just generally making sure everyone around me is right up there with me (smiling alone can get lonely sometimes). So if you're smart you'll know 2 things, 1, the "something" that happened to me 2day isn't a good thing and that its affecting me on some level, 2, you know why i keep doing what i do cause quite simply put i dun really know. The BBQ at mama hse to celebrate Jie and Auntie Sally's b-day was good though and i've yet to upload the photos on fb so i shall do that 2mw cause i'm quite bummed out to do all that now. In any case, Dave, you're right, we can't not smile cause we're too damned busy giving them out and we gon keep doing that till the day we breathe our last and hell it ain't gonna be a surprise if we left with a smile =)

"I was right, i could have the worst week of my life and it multiplies and magnifies itself to the point it crushes me but then i see you and everything else ceases to matter life has new meaning there's hustle and flow and my heart beats once more and thats just when i see you."

Bon Voyage

2009-10-20T02:32:00.002+08:00

Ain't gonna lie, its sad that Beki left, on a brighter note, she left MI to continue studying in Australia, somewhere everyone around me seems to be disappearing to. Why? Don't ask me i'm not really sure. Made me realise something as i stood there looking at the tear stained faces. Friends really are important to us. True, family is as well but given the amount of time we spend with our friends. I highly doubt that its because we spend a lot of time with our family thats why we've to compensate our friends, but its more of them being able to relate to us on a deeper level. Whatever we go through chances are they've either gone through it as well or they're going through it with you. One of my friend pointed this out, "Ever wondered how weird it would be if you saw this girl and told your mum how hot you thought she was?" The idea and that thought was funny, hell, still kinda is now and maybe some of you are thinking if i did that, i assure you no, but he did make sense, we can't do that with our family, we can only do that with our friends, maybe its also one of the reasons why we go to them for fun stuff, like they give us a life. True to a certain extent, but family was really the one that gave you life in the first place. Point being? Don't lead your life as friends in one and family in another. I found that i've been lucky enough to find friends that allowed me to combine the both together, it wasn't easy at first, you can't please everyone but in time somehow everything just falls into place. Because sometimes the line between family and friends becomes marred and faded so that it all becomes a huge group of just Family, sub-consciously we treat our closest friends as family members as well. Which is just as well, given the way the world is turning out. If we could all continue to do so, then maybe everyone would be happier. Kinda makes you think that we're all part of some huge connection no?

Keep Holding On

2009-10-07T21:14:00.003+08:00

Its the exam week this week and math paper is 2mw, which kinda explains why i'm here. I was thinking really hard what to post up here and then i realized i should post something in relevance to my life right now, or at least heard. I do remember posting something abt loving the people around you, not just your frens but the people you don't know as well cause well lets face it, we could all use more frens. Then i said the same exact thing to one of my frens and he told me this, "Difficult sia..." So very true, especially if they know the extent of your love for them leading to expectations in whichever relationship you share with them leading to either of the extremes, euphoria or disappointment. Its easy to continue with the euphoria, who doesn't like to feel happy? Its really difficult to continue with the disappointments i totally agree but if we eventually did and in fact because of that disappointment use that as a chance to love them even more, wouldn't that be better? Is it really so hard to swallow one's pride to sit down and have a chat with their loved one and apologise should there be a dire need to? Is sorry really that difficult to say? Guys and girls, please never lose the opportunity to talk to that special someone, even if you have more than one special someone, they could be your frens, family, your spouse, your crush, whoever. Life's seriously way too short to spend being alone without them in your life to brighten it up and for you to spread joy into theirs as well. Don't be selfish.

Overkill

2009-09-29T20:11:00.002+08:00

I got my hair cut 2day, looks weird in my opinion then again i was never much bothered about the way my hair looks, if i had my way i'd be bald. Anyways, i was reading 5 People You Meet In Heaven on the way there. I didn't really process the book on my way there, frankly speaking i was more struggling to stay awake, been feeling sleepy for no apparent reason in school and generally during the day for some reason, i slept quite early last night thats the problem. But as i got off the bus and walked to the barbershop i started reminiscing and i realize i'm pretty lucky, my childhood is like a park away and given the close proximity it is to where i live now, i can't remember the last time i was there for any reason at all. It changed a whole lot, thats a given but the memories came flooding back and i guess that kinda helped to drive home the whole W.H lesson i had about man conquering nature and then nature eventually overpowering man and somehow someway cause of that change becomes an absolute, that it is imminent in our future no matter how we try to change it. In a way, somehow i think the title of this post is cause i'm overkill-ing myself with too much thinking, the exams, my fate in MI just to name a few and a couple of unmentionables. I always thought exams were things that required you to think there and then and then its over, guess i forgot about the path we walk before that. One more week yeah? Then maybe the sun will shine brighter and we'll all come out again.

Verdict

2009-09-23T21:51:00.002+08:00

After such a dragged out session of stressing for the results of staying on in council Mr Tan finally revealed them to us this morning. The 4 of us are staying so pretty much what's left is the Promos. Can't say i'm totally confident about it and i'm studying for it to the best that i can cept i've decided to just focus on the H2s, lets face it other than GP i dun think i can pass math as a H1 for now. I blame it on the times i made the reckless decisions to skip math and well didn't really spend the time fruitfully, cause as you can see there are no fruits to harvest here. Anyways, the whole stress and tension of so desperately wanting to know the verdict has been made and quite frankly now i'm stressing for the interns and i heard that they'll be told about how they did this Friday so come hell or high water i'ma be there. Should the worst happen i'll see you guys through the whole journey, thats a promise.

"Has it ever occurred to you the reason why you haven't found the right way your soul smiled was cause you never let me into your life?"

MC

2009-09-17T20:46:00.002+08:00

An actual MC is scary, a legit one i mean, where you're really sick instead of skipping school. For one you can't get to sleep and with the stuff that's been happening in my head i'd really like to just shut it off for a while or at the very least drown in out. Hence the splitting headaches. Once more its times like these you really stop at the pace you've been running in the race of life and reflect about certain things, cept i only did that just now during dinner, yesterday was spent stoning cause i was getting used to the meds, yes they make people drowsy but sadly not drowsy enough to sleep. I'm speaking for both dudes and dudettes here, you guys ever had that one person that when he/she crosses your mind your heart beats faster, your eyes widen, little sweat beads start forming on your forehead, you start breathing faster and your mind just freeze and for that split second you feel as though your soul is complete? Yeah i kinda miss that feeling. Cept i never really felt it with the last bit, save one girl. I know its the last thing that should be on my mind right now with the promos 2 coming round the corner in like, what, 2 weeks? Yeap, i've been counting down though the stress hasn't really forced me to study more than i have been. I think i'll feel it the moment the weekends roll around then i'll freak out, take my notes and do some studying. Sorry just thought i'd post this for the people who're wondering what the hell goes on in my mind. Just a sneak. Study hard beautiful people, don't retain, CTE or get superannuated.

Off the bat

2009-09-14T06:18:00.000+08:00

Its 6.19am and i'm online only reason being i couldn't freaking sleep and there's school later to top it off my nose has been flowing like a river since Saturday... Ok i did sleep but that was from 11pm to 1am so yeah that was a really great nap... I've no idea how i'm gonna survive school later... Wish me luck man...

Furball

2009-09-11T01:44:00.002+08:00

Reality check. I'm tired, not so much cause its 2am and i'm still up. More of i'm tired of having to give the same hustle everyday with a different flow and there's still pretty much nothing to show for it. Its heartening to know that i ain't the only one in this dead end path walking it for mandatory reasons but it wouldn't hurt to break free of it no? So here i am, sitting in front of my laptop at 2am in the morning thinking about 2mw. I don't really know why i am though, its just this habit i have. Either that or i ate too much prata just now to sleep. I was just wondering, what if we all lived as though that day was our last day, would things turn out differently then?

Photoframe

2009-08-28T00:42:00.002+08:00

Its funny what you think of when doing mundane things such as decorating photoframes at this hour, check the time of this post i'm supposed to be sleeping. (Due 2mw thats why) Anyways, as i was overturning my drawer and basically dumping everything out to see what could be pasted on the frames so the stuff i would have to draw would be minimal, i found sponge words that spelt out "LOVE" and some shiny star folding paper. It wasn't until i started pasting the words on the photoframe that i realised what i was doing wasn't because i HAD to do it. Though i admit that it is, when you come to think of it, it really isn't. I'm not trying to say that i'm some saint or something who goes around to everyone including my sworn enemy saying that i love him/her. But i actually bothered doing the photoframe. Its a small gesture but hell, it says alot. If i was the teacher and i got some lousily decorated frame i'd actually still be happy, at least someone bothered. For the record, i still have my sister's hand made birthday cards that she gave me years ago, just to set it straight, the only person in my family that can draw is my mum, the rest failed Art. It cost 5 cents, cause thats how much a plain A4 sized paper costs, but at least she bothered. I guess what i'm really trying to say is that for whoever it is reading this post, life for you is gonna get hell busy at some time. We're gonna neglect the people that we care for the most. We often say we'll reciprocate those feelings of love for them at a later time but do we really? I can't say i have and i can say for the majority if not all of the people reading this post can't either. It doesn't take a genius to know how to say thank you or to show some gratitude, we're humans, we're more complex than that i agree, but sometimes we have to go back to basics and for all those who're wondering what that is, its simply, to love. The one thing that drives everyone, or at the very least i know that drives me, is love. We are but products of love, made to love and to create love and to pass that on.

So my challenge is this, to show that someone that you really care for how much they mean to you. There's no time limit, but keep in mind that life is short, you don't have to say that you love him/her and hope that you end up together the rest of your lives, nice fairy tale but i meant love for another as a human. Like Michael Jackson's song goes, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways, No message could've been any clearer, If you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make a change." Still not convinced? Then let me start, for whoever you are, whatever you do, whatever you've done, whether you've heard it before or not, i love you. Now go spread the word, make life worth living =)

When I grow up...

2009-08-12T23:03:00.000+08:00

I met this dude who talked to me abt... well basically he reminded me of whatever i wanted to be as a guy, or more "appropriately" what i thought a "man" should be like. So it kinda sounded like wanting to be popular with all the girls, well not jut girls but guys as well, basically being well liked and simply adored by everyone, which in reality is somewhat possible, if you give them buckets of cash then maybe but niceness only gets you so far these days so i'll take what's been given and give back what i really should. Anyways, as he told me his story and how he felt about school and stuff like that i realized something, all that kinda stuff didn't matter to me anymore... I mean it was weird cause not so long ago i was something like that, everywhere i went, i wanted to be the best, not academically but in other ways and on many levels it was kinda eating at me, i aimed for perfection that meant nothing. I pretty much did most things i thought was "manly" i didn't dare show any emotion cause well its a stupid male ego thing, show too much emotion you're just giving too much away, i dun really know how to explain it but yeah, as i tried to figure out what i was really trying to be, God told me very simply and plainly, to follow Him. Just follow. Faithfully, FAITHFULLY. That's when it kinda struck me, you can find a man who's capable of loving anywhere. I can even find one living under a bridge. The only difference between a "man" and a man, is that a man is truly capable of not just simply loving, but love faithfully.

Make it never break it

2009-08-05T23:25:00.000+08:00

Ok looking at my results i'm not gonna say they're anything fantastic, they're super far from it. I'm literally at the brink of being CTE-ed again cause i wasn't serious about my promos 1. Mr Ang was kinda right i guess, none of us esp me should be looking at this short term, just to promote, we should all be thinking long term. Eyes on the prize, the 'A' levels. Truth be told i'm freaking out about my results haha... i remember telling Benjamin yesterday, i don't care how long it takes, i just wanna get there. Thing is, i don't have the time anymore. I've got something to prove. To myself. In retrospect i guess i should've just studied last year and promoted instead of messing around and yeah they weren't kidding when they said 'A' levels is the hardest course we'd ever have to go through in any education system. I'm living that reality now and i made the bad decision to not live by that and chose to prove this saying wrong cause well yeah, i'ma admit it, my ego got in the way. A year on and with the saving grace of God who gave me wisdom and allowing me to remember His love for me i don't wanna mess around anymore. I know its not gonna be easy but i guess the only thing i can do is to suck it up and go through with it no matter how crappy it feels. It ain't just for me no more. I'm done living for myself. No sacrifice that i make is too great for them. I'll stand by that.

For who you are

2009-08-04T21:08:00.000+08:00

Just a random question and since it has been brought up in lit lesson sometime ago. Can we love someone to the point where we love them for whatever they are? Like if there was some kinda deep dark past they had or its still in their life currently would we still go all out, even if it was something that we are really against?

Strike that

2009-08-03T21:22:00.000+08:00

I've got this friend who's been feeling kinda down since his parents told him the hard truth that their marriage was a shotgun marriage. Why is this a big deal to him, he's the 1st kid. His family isn't exactly the best kinda environment to grow up in as well and yeah he's been struggling with it since he was 18. Then there was a point he actually blamed every fault in his family on himself which if you ask me is pretty damn ridiculous. Anyways, since then i guess he kinda always viewed his father as kinda part of the problem. His dad wasn't exactly the best father either. (Yes we had a very long talk) So its safe to say he didn't like his dad very much either, he was kinda just forced to live with him and this whole truth about the way he was conceived into the world kinda ate at him until one day he called me and told me this. "God doesn't make mistakes." I know this is gonna raise mixed reactions between my believer readers and my non believer readers and personally i believe in God and yes, He doesn't make mistakes, but for my friend here who was struggling so long with the whole idea of being well kinda unwanted in the very beginning, to realizing that even so, he has a purpose in life. God gave him life and not only that, God gave him reason to live as well. It wasn't until then he realized the pointlessness of feeling sorry for himself and thinking so negatively it reflected on his life itself. A year on and i met saw him recently, he's still struggling with his family, trying to patch things up and he said its not easy. Relationships never are. But he did tell me one thing that struck a chord in me. They're family, if he doesn't try, no one else would and though he kinda did blame his dad for everything, he knew that ultimately he came from his mum AND dad, plus he came to know God and he really felt that he wanted to do it, that he should at least mend this broken relationships he left broken for so many years. I guess what i'm really trying to say is that no matter how deep the wounds are, no matter how badly scarred emotionally or physically, God can heal all. All we gotta do is trust, believe and most of all, have faith. I know i do =)

Profoundity in stupidity

2009-07-24T22:27:00.002+08:00

Recently one of my friends called me up to tell me about his crush on this certain girl in my class. Long story short, he tells me an epic fairytale he thinks he feels and that he's in a dilemma cause there are other girls waiting for him. I'm not gonna comment anything on that cause for me is there's feelings for girl A then there's no need to stress anymore. The next day he's telling me that he needs to speak to me urgently. I met him and he didn't get to put his point across cause i just asked him one question and posed a simple "past problem" to him and he got worried about it and totally forgot. I did, however manage to ask him this one question. "What does she mean to you?" his answer was simple, "everything." What are the boundaries where everything lies? Cause i realise that whenever i'm asked the same question and even before i'm with that girl i find myself guilty of using that line as well only to realise she's not my everything. I think i can find old couples who can't even tell me that their spouse for 50 years is their everything. I mean sure, when they say it they mean everything in the most romantic sense of, "she's the drive in my life when there's nothing to live for" or "she's the air i breathe" but i found that if you really loved someone and even if words couldn't describe how you felt about them and i'm talking about love not infatuation, wouldn't the question and answer segment of "How much do I mean to you?" and the answer of "Everything" be something more? I mean love is ultimately the most powerful emotion a human can feel. Its the difference between happiness and sorrow, hope and despair, sunshine and rain. If i was ever asked that question, personally, i don't think i'd be able to answer it, at least not with words, they wouldn't be justified and i guess neither would the question because they shouldn't have to worry about it in the first place. Oh and in case you're wondering, he sent me another sms telling me that he decided that the girl was a distraction to his studies and that he's not gonna follow up with his "love" for her. I rest my case.

All for you

2009-07-19T19:39:00.002+08:00

I still need to nominate someone to join SPC... i still gotta plan and promote interhse frisbee and yeah there's the issue of the posters along with getting back my results. I think at some point i should just be glad that if they ever kick me out of school it'll be a good thing right? Mum asked me that question just now over dinner. Not that i haven't really thought about it, i just kinda "refused" to look at it. But in all seriousness, its a high possibility that same time next year i could be doing push ups or preparing for a 30km hike the next day. I guess if it really came down to it i'd be there. So yeah, on that same note i'm scared as hell... haha... never really thought i'd be somewhere on this line where i'm worried for my grades. Its really the first time in my life i'm worried for my future and all for good reason.

His Way

2009-07-17T20:10:00.002+08:00

I believe. I believe totally in God's will and that he totally works in mysterious ways, whether to make us realise something or overcome an obstacle that we are confused about, He listens and His Grace just overpowers everything in my life to tell me the answer when i least expect it or He lets me find out the answer after thinking with His clues of course. I'm just super glad to say this =) Oh and there's no way i could've relearnt the proper way of throwing a frisbee just now if He didn't remind me how and blessed me with the consistency to remember and throw correctly so yes, God is always there and if nothing else works, God works =)

Smile

2009-07-12T23:50:00.003+08:00

If we ever got into an argument and asked me what i wanted from you. I'll tell you now, all I ever want is to see your smile. Cause for whatever you put me through in the week, thats my drive for anything. Your smile.

3 days later

2009-07-07T23:14:00.003+08:00

After Saturday, i think something's wrong with my ankle, hurts like crazy... like i can't put it down straight, i kinda wanna force it to snap back... standing hurts as well but it isn't swelling... Speaking of Saturday, Ah Zhen gave birth to a baby boy =) congrats and 2day Jie took off the bandages for her ear surgery, it looks like her ears have brains now. Back back to the current topic of 2mw's lit exam... if it was abt Plants vs Zombies i'd rock 2mw's paper =) but it isn't so i think i'ma do fine. I hope.

Feeling the rain

2009-07-06T23:57:00.002+08:00

Went to the beach 2day, its been a long time since i was last there. Abt half a year to abt a year since i was there? Reached there and it started raining, got drenched. I couldn't help but take a walk in the rain and think abt stuff. Eventually sat by the waterside and prayed a silent prayer and just sat there waiting for the rain to stop. Funnily enough though the rain was pelting down and the wind was blowing and freezing me to the core, i wasn't exactly shivering and i kinda felt peaceful sitting there; i felt warm inside. I thought really hard about my dream and really believed it. I realised as i'm asking for some kinda assurance, its always there, just not exactly in the form that i'd expect but its always there. Only time is required and nothing's gonna change that. The only difference is that i was just too caught up in the moment to see, whenever the situation called for it, assurance has always been there and i had to get myself soaked to realise that. Yet i'm glad i did, cause getting caught in the rain brought home a sense of familiarity for me and anything that feels like home is good enough assurance for me. I just need to see and realise it =)

Totally whack

2009-07-01T20:43:00.002+08:00

Consolance for the week, MI Ultimate ain't taking part in this year's 'A' divs. We ain't ready. I think. Not my decision, i asked and no one replied. So yeap, i found out just last Sunday. Don't get it wrong i ain't pissed or anything, it just means i can attend Youth Service on time instead of rushing and probably falling asleep as i'm worshipping. Since its the exam week it has be CRAY-ZAYE... All i've got left to settle is History which is 2mw and Lit Paper 5 which is next week, i seriously feel like throwing the whole of History out the window and just failing the paper, math went by pretty smoothly though, slept for majority of the paper and if i wasn't sleeping or stoning then i was desperately trying to do the paper, yes i attempted, but i sincerely didn't know how to do it so yeap math out the window, i did however get a really nice sleep though. Can't wait for History to be over man... like... then i've got round abt 5 days till the nxt paper which is like a week so yeah... but more time to study =D if i remember to... i'm blogging as my poor excuse of staying awake though, i should be studying but i know that if i do i'll fall asleep and then that'd be the end of it... so yeah...

"Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me, and afterall, you're my wonderwall" and somehow, i'm beginning to really believe that.

I'm AWAKE...

2009-06-25T10:27:00.002+08:00

The only reason i'm ever awake at this hour during the holidays can only mean one thing, for some unknown reason i couldn't get to sleep thus i'm still awake though i'd desperately try to get back to sleep but somehow can't and i'm gonna have to leave the hse soon and not come back till late at night. SO, i've got Red Bull which i don't think is gonna help much since i drank one can already and still feel like dying. Now i'm trying to figure out how to make it through the rest of the day... Or maybe i should just crawl back into bed now and sleep... hmmm...

Supposed

2009-06-22T22:05:00.002+08:00

I actually wanted to write another random poem here but then i figured since i last wrote one on my poetry blog i should just say something sensible here. I've been saved by the grace of God. I can breathe so much easier now and there is some peace in my life =) I have the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I have her. I'm not lucky, i'm blessed =)

and you...

2009-06-20T18:46:00.002+08:00

So here i am, its raining out, slightly over a week before school starts and the exams are coming around and i'm pretty close to saying screw it, lets see what happens if i fail. What i really feel like doing and saying isn't really helping what i'm supposed to be doing, namely studying. I know the whole world of JC students out there are studying their hardest, well majority and me... well... when Marcus made that whole minimum 2 H2 passes i thought hey, why not? Its something i can work for. But i've come to realise that maybe its just not it. I've lost so much and all that for what? Everything that i've given i sincerely feel has come to a naught. Can we restart this whole thing? If i had known, i wouldn't have said goodbye like that...

Are you?

2009-06-15T02:16:00.002+08:00

This is for everyone who reads my blog, whether you know me or not, hate me or love me, on speaking terms with me or not, i don't care if you're someone from another country, i need an answer. Is there such a thing as seeing someone and knowing that they're the one for you just that its not your time to be with them yet?

Victory

2009-06-14T00:00:00.002+08:00

I guess we can all find victory everywhere we go. Even in places we'd least expect, much less in a fireworks show. As i stood there taking everything in, like a small kid seeing fireworks for the very first time, i started thinking about some stuff, including stuff some ppl have told me and though they were right and i knew from the beginning, i kinda refused to believe them until just now and i know its gonna throw me down familiar roads, ones that i have been avoiding for so long, i think its time that i go back, see what's wrong and face them. Who knows what could happen. I figured if i really wanted to become a better person, i gotta go back and fix the wrongs that i've refused to look at, accept and change them into rights. At the end, i'll know exactly where the victory lies. Until then i won't give up, i gotta keep trying.

Today...

2009-06-09T02:09:00.002+08:00

I know i haven't exactly been the best role model for my younger siblings to follow. I think i pretty much did somehow or another lead them to whichever negative part of their life that they're living now but i know that i can't take full blame cause it was also around here that i realised it wasn't the way i wanted my life to be. I had bigger things in store for me and if i were to remain as i were then i would not only mess it up but i would've missed out a whole lot in life. Some part of me wishes very badly that i'm totally hammered so i'm spouting total bull when i say this but part of me really wants to just walk away from everything here or maybe just the problems that refused to be solved. Yeah i tink its called giving up cept i prefer the term walking away... from whatever is left of my already broken up self, i'm struggling to see exactly where the hell i wanna stand. My eyes are already beginning to hurt like hell and my brain is still suffering from the heatstroke earlier on in the day and i'm ranting so i'll cut it real short. Maybe the reason that i'm ranting and typing all these out is cause i so badly wanna be where you are but find myself unable to do that cause i just knew you and that the irony here is that when i'm in this situation where i don't know anything anymore, all i really wanna know about is you.

2009-06-08T01:36:00.000+08:00

The holidays are starting to get to me... and yes, i hate it.

2009-06-04T23:52:00.002+08:00

I'm considering on takin a break. As in from sports. HAHAHAHA that'll be the day, i've got suspected injuries on my thumb and my shin, big surprise huh? LOL oh well, guess i can only suck it up and move on.

Happy Birthday to Cam and Rebekkah =)

Signal Fire

2009-05-31T17:54:00.002+08:00

Signal Fire - Snow Patrol

Was looking for the video but couldn't find a way to embed it, so click here its really cute, really

Frisbee

2009-05-28T19:56:00.002+08:00

This is for the sole purpose of reminding myself why i even play frisbee and why i'm "giving" back to the sport, the one that majority think isn't even one and that its not possible for it to be difficult.
First time i ever picked a disc up, in MI to be precise was cause of Lydia. In fact, Danny, Kah Leong and Eleen picked it up cause of Lydia. As i started out playing i had each and every intention of taking frisbee as a leisure sport. Then came along my shin injury, sidelining me on and off and then i had to stop rugby. I ain't here to make excuses so i'll come clean and say i stopped cause i was scared as hell, scared that if that one wrong tackle or dive would splinter my shin so nicely it would lead me to a life in a comfortable wheelchair. Worst nightmare. I still wasn't playing Frisbee properly much like what my juniors are doing to me now and yeah i guess i can somewhat relate to what James, Anna and the rest felt but though i'm not here to compare myself to them, i can safely say that i at the very least gave my best and broke each and every limit cause i appreciated what my captains were doing for me, sacrificing study time to prepare us for each and every competition. Looking back its funny cause in a way frisbee kinda saved me once again. Brought me to Christ once more and lit that fire that died out so long ago. Taught me responsibility, something i mistook for haughtiness and making sure i had my own fun. Thats the key thing. I push past every limit for everything frisbee has given me. That's this year's Teengames' slogan right? Breaking Limits.

Yesterday, "my team" walked out on me. 5 members stayed behind and out of these 5, 3 were willing to train. This is out of a team of 10. I had just half of them stay back to improve on their throws because they knew they had to and maybe even because they respected me enough to stay back and attempt to help me work on my own throws as well. I'm not gonna lie, i wanted right there and then to walk out on MI Ultimate. I wouldn't mind just not talking to them as well cause i felt, at the very least they didn't respect me as a "captain", much less a friend. If anything i'll make it clear now, i'm sick of talking. Competition's Saturday. I'm a VERY FREE person, who has NOTHING ELSE to do, i held training cause i had nothing else better to and wanted to waste all your time. Lets just leave it as that.

2009-05-22T00:07:00.002+08:00

I really really wanna go back to being a kid where responsibility meant eating dinner, taking my shower b4 i slept and having to pull the mattress out on the floor so i'd have a place to sleep on the floor. Now its just all so warped to the point where i don't even like it anymore. I don't even feel i belong anywhere and as far as my studies go i'm beginning to think NS would be a better choice... I know i've been skipping math and history like crazy i still dun really see much of a point in staying in lessons that i don't understand... don't get me wrong i do wanna pass them but consultation is gonna leave me way more drained than anything i could ever imagine.... Guess there's pretty much just one thing to do, Hustle and move on

I remember someone asking me once, how does it feel like to be this lonely, to know that on that crazy place where you stand that seems to be just you and you alone, how does it really feel? The answer is simple,liberating, just so you don't have to go there.

2009-05-16T00:51:00.001+08:00

Oh damn.... 1st public performance 2mw.... i so seriously need my sleep and yes i'm totally stressing out.... hope the song choice is right and that i dun lose my voice 2mw haha....

Injury-rod

2009-05-06T23:36:00.002+08:00

I figured with the economy so bad, its really gonna suck if ppl fall sick, then comes along the whole H1N1 virus strain and sooner or later people are gonna be thrown into chaos, to the point where i dun even wanna think abt. Anyways, people around me are not falling sick, with the exception of Shafiqah and Josh. Sam walked into a wall, how i still dunno, Derek that idiot sprained his ankle and i've to bring crutches for him 2mw, i sprained my ankle as well just that i'm gonna "walk it off" cause i can =) i tink its cause of the 2.4 run that it throbs a lil now, that and probably Frisbee training as well so yeah, where's the injury-rod when you need one man....

For the times that i catch myself thinking of you, i do my best not to but then i end up dreaming of you and thats so much sweeter

2009-05-01T00:22:00.003+08:00

I made a decision 2day. It was a very selfish one and i wish i didn't have to do it. I could've chosen not to do it but i did. Randy, Tab, Dawn, Danny and Kah Leong, i'm really really very very truly sorry.... Marcus... thanks...

2009-04-30T20:06:00.002+08:00

Teengames 2mw.

2009-04-28T00:28:00.003+08:00

I'm here to revive my blog, i'm sure many of you are sick of coming here to read nothing haha, i'm still tired as hell, being sick for 4 days straight does something to you man... PE was fun in the MI sense of fun yeah, then there was training that pissed me off so bad but yeah again, necessary. Had a weird 5 way counselling session just now that i don't even know how i got myself into, i just hope all of you are feeling much much better. So i guess other than my torn bag strap nothing much or nothing's changed. =)

2009-04-22T21:06:00.001+08:00

Really, seriously, i don't think i can do this anymore.

2009-04-17T23:42:00.002+08:00

I know that its a bit too much to ask for a break now cause a whole lot of people are gonna dispute that i don't need one that i need to drop some things so i can have more time for the important stuff? Thing is i'm doing the best i can to prioritse and to tell you the truth it ain't that easy, i'm already going on 4 hours of sleep per night and i don't even wanna think of what my results would be like if i took the mid years now... I'm not asking for someone else to share this with cause they've got their own stuff to worry abt? The best i'm doing now is taking it in one day at a time... With Teengames around the corner and Eleen throwing a bitch fit for me to "spectate" and "appreciate" i really cannot give a damn what she thinks or wants anymore, go do whatever you want. Then there's that other Frisbee thingy at the end of May... 10 and 10... So i'm thinking of pulling Darnell in for this, i think i've more of a problem pulling ppl into the under 18 catergory? Then there's the MI Carnival and MI Mart which have been thrown pretty much last min and i'm already in a whole hella trouble for that... and funny thing is i dun really even know why. Caricatures are so not gonna work out cause there are only 2 ppl doing the drawing, the rest i dunno already haha, walk around and pull people in to watch? I soooooo need an escape.....a.r.g.h

Good Friday

2009-04-11T01:01:00.002+08:00

"It should be called Bad Friday cause sometime around 2000 years ago someone died. Why is it so special? This someone, this man was innocent, yet he died." - Pastor Wong

Yeap. Jesus died and 3 days later was revived from the dead, defeating death, promising us eternal life. For me to not attend church for such a long time and to come back to something as significant and meaningful as Good Friday, thats really saying a whole lot. If anything i think its safe to say that my soul has been redeemed once again, saved from all the craziness of this world, for the longest time i could ever remember feeling this sense of emptiness in me, not being able to fully appreciate whatever was going on in my life and not appreciating what i was doing for myself. Its funny cause whatever i was looking for and what i needed was right in front of me, all i had to do was to set aside at most 15 mins, to say that i was tired, that i needed some sort of healing to tell me that its for something at the very least and that i needed some divine intervention from the one true God and that everything is gonna be fine. Pretty dumb huh? But i'm glad He did and i'm thankful that i still feel bad that He did.

Short of a prayer...

2009-04-06T00:37:00.002+08:00

As i'm waiting for the indemnity forms to be printed out i find myself wondering how and why the hell am i in this situation where i'm supposed to do all this. Its amazing enough that i've managed to find 4 more people to help out play Teengames. I have no idea how i'm gonna pull a miracle out from this haha i know the old adage is keep believing and keep hustlin' but i've been doing that the whole time and truth be told i need someone to take the reigns for a while, just for a lil bit so i can catch my breath and focus on stuff that require my attention as well... The reason why i haven't been blogging as much is cause i find myself wondering if i should really expose to the rest of the world how i really feel, somewhere along the line i find myself picking up the persona of the steel wall, the one everyone can depend on. Yet after Saturday's incident i really ask myself is it worth it? Its funny cause it already has reached a point where i don't care so much about what i feel and place the wants and needs of others before what i actually require; brushing off the advice of the people who really care in the process, now i'm suffering the blunt of it all while the rest of the world waltzes around. Somehow i tink its time for me to really reflect and turn to God, something i haven't done in a very long time which shouldn't be the case at all...

2009-04-04T22:11:00.002+08:00

Can't believe i actually put them in front of Mama...I should've stayed behind instead of coming back to this place i call life... haha so yeah you already kinda know how my saturday went. Thanks alot.

April Fools Day

2009-04-01T23:44:00.004+08:00

I'm having a huge-ass headache now and i very much feel like whining cept i'm supposed to set this ignored image of a responsible elder brother to his 2 younger brothers taking their 'O' levels this year, in other words they get to hurl and scream abuse and think random thoughts of leaving school while i'm their adviser. I'm trying very very hard to focus on the things that are really important to me now just that given all that has been thrown into my lap i don't know which is which? I feel like going for a long long holiday. I feel that i deserve one. A day to finish up all my assignments would be nice as well... Transcendence auditions are another thing... somehow i just don't really feel like going for it... i'm just not feeling it. I don't even think this post makes any freaking sense...

If only then maybe and probably but i guess we just weren't meant to be.

2009-03-28T00:12:00.003+08:00

Simply because its been a long ass time since i was last here to update i shall do just that. School has been hell for me and really ironically enough it just gets more and more difficult without the exams haha made my decision to go back to rugby and yeah realised that i'm more outta touch than i ever thought so i'm back to square one where i'm still learning a proper pop which really sucks but again i'll suck it up and learn. I guess most of you must be wondering why the hell am i going back and its simply cause i miss the game. I know i chose to come back at a really shitty time but i'm glad that i managed to come back in the end. I'm nt some natural talent like some of the new pre-u 1's are but i'm willing to work my ass off again just to be where i was so long ago. All in my stride. Right now, i'm loving life, i'm getting by, Hafidz i'm not emo just tired, i still don't like people calling me Kenny Benny and this is about all the time i can spend on writing this nonsensical post, and i'm glad i did it cause there's just still so much to say but so little or no, time in fact.

Dude you were so totally right haha oh well, shit happens.

2009-03-19T01:17:00.002+08:00

This is my stupid,dumb,irritating,noisy,looks-like-a-mop dog, Benn Benn. He was supposed to be called Peanut cause he'd be cuter and more aggressive if he was called Peanut. In any case, the reason for this random post is cause i find it somewhat cool yet sad that he's the only living thing in my house that's happy to see me home irregardless of how lousy his day was. So yeah. I still love my dumb dog =)

2009-03-17T00:42:00.000+08:00

Lace up?

2009-03-16T00:34:00.001+08:00

Hmmm i know i've said it b4 so yeah i'm really gonna consider the whole aspect of returning to rugby so yeah. I've got countless requests nt to go back though... Talked to coach on Friday, said he'd take me back in but was reluctant when i told him abt why i left in the 1st place. I think rehab was somehow somewhat enough? Suddenly all of a sudden i dun really feel that confident abt it? The way i see it i've got 1 more week, since i'm not going for trainings during the hols as well so yeah...

2009-03-12T22:53:00.002+08:00

River Flows In You - Yiruma

I miss you...

Drifting

2009-03-11T23:34:00.002+08:00

Its hard really to try and meet each other on some level. Maybe i'm just scared of what i would say that she might not wanna hear those very few words that i wanna say and that it could be a possibility that i don't want to hear them as well. Cause for some reason it hurts to even look at you and i just don't know why anymore. I'm not even sure if its from disappointment or just plain sadness and every single thing seems so damn forced, to the point that i don't even wanna continue doing anything else anymore that i just wanna disappear from existence itself. I find myself dreading everything but there's not a damn thing i can do about it because all anyone ever tells me is relax luh. I so need an escape now...

Leg, no back injury?

2009-03-09T22:50:00.002+08:00

I'm still laughing abt this cause its so freaking funny, i played hopscotch 2day and sprained my ankle hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Somehow i find that the more easier sports i play the more injuries i get HAHAHAHA i dun think i'm doing PE on wednesday lol
fast forward to now, i just got back from the chinese physician and he attributed it to a back injury and said it was an old one. So he jabbed needles into "strategic" points in my leg and my back and at this point i'm still laughing till the doc ran a freaking current through my leg while asking if i could feel the tingling sensation in my leg all the way to my toes. I didn't scream as i thought i would but i do remember struggling to say yes i can feel the pain. One of the more stupid things i've ever had to do. Right now i'm still figuring out the link btwn back and leg... but i sure as hell hope i can walk 2mw without limping man hahahahahaha

Back to the past

2009-03-08T19:14:00.002+08:00

Its weird cause ultimately when i get a more severe and serious injury its the weirdest time to even think of it and it kinda swung home to be at the precise moment it hurt the most in my ribs that i actually really miss playing Rugby. Don't get me wrong, not touch rug but contact. Even though the stamina training is hell and probably still is gonna be hell for me and most of the people don't really wanna see me back cause they probably deem me as a quitter same goes for the coach, i miss the game more than anything else. I know i can't throw as well as i used to in the past but i find myself picking up that old rugby ball that i have and tossing it around and remembering the rush of adrenaline when i step on the field, what made me give my everything even though i was tired and hurt in every single fiber of my body. When i was out with injury i never really made any plans of returning i thought it was it, i'm done. No more rugby but now i find myself missing it more than ever. I don't know if the coach would let me back in though haha much less Mr Tan. The risk of me cracking or this time even splitting my shin cleanly into half is there and with my ribs yeah thats another story. Its really screaming at me, just right in my ear to go back, though you won't be the best yet you can always strive to be the best that you are and sometimes thats all it really takes. Maybe i've got the holidays to think over it? What do you guys think?

Sports Fiesta

2009-03-07T13:24:00.002+08:00

These days i've no idea how to update my blog, i see her and i feel something yet i don't know how to even talk to her when i know that she doesn't wanna talk to me, all the things i've said to assure myself of what we once shared made worse by what i see and really feel. SO. I've already decided, not gonna care anymore, cause for the simple reason that you don't =)

Now that Sports Fiesta is over i'm really glad cause it frees up most of my time haha this whole week has literally been hell and it hasn't really been a lonely road, i'm still really glad to have T4 being so understanding and not asking much from me cept to take care of myself and rest well =) You guys really truly make me see what great friends should be like =) Bruised my ribs so yeah didn't go for the Milo thingy 2day cause i couldn't move which is kinda funny actually haha i've been moving so much that when it hits the weekend i can't move at all, i've only just managed to drag myself out of bed and it hurts like hell, the bandage makes it a lil easier to breathe so thank God for that =) Hopefully it'll a whole lot better 2mw man i really really wanna go back to church its been like forever since i last went to church =(

SPC you guys rock =) though we didn't get to play Bossaball in the end we still saw it through and yeah we can finally rest easy and well =)

2009-03-03T22:38:00.002+08:00

Ok now that the proposals for MI Carnivals are done i'm still left with the articles... by the 11th i tink... add math, econs and lit on top you get a pretty lil stack. But its cool i guess better than stoning and not doing anything no? Mum got me a new bag, in my opinion its questionable, but i dun wanna hurt her feelings cause she still bought it for me anyways and in this case i tink its more of the thought that counts? Plus its in black and white, simple enough so yeah. There's the MI Roadshow for SportOn 2mw impatient ppl can come check out the site i placed it at my links, if you're lazy you can do it hereSport On so yeah go there and place your votes for the SportOn Sport Ambassador, pretty prestigious title if you ask me haha so yeah go there and check it out =)

Sport On Youth Alliance

2009-03-01T23:35:00.002+08:00

This has been like a frigging stressful week for me, irony is that its the weekend... I seriously need sleep but i've to rush out some proposal that i can't even complete and i've to do a report on some econs thing which is due 2mw i tink and i've got a math worksheet thats due 2mw and i dun have the frigging worksheet as well so that i'm pretty much screwed... 5 mins on i realise that i dun have Maths 2mw =D so yeah thats how stressed i am i forget what lessons i'm having the day after so that really sucks... which reminds me i've got PE 2mw... can't get any worse in my opinion... i so need sleep now and i've got a long ass day 2mw.... freaking hell...

2009-02-28T00:47:00.000+08:00

I got new shoes! =)

Whee~ iPod

2009-02-26T22:27:00.002+08:00

I "stole" my Dad's iPod, i asked for my Mum's got Dad's instead, currently listening to the songs in it now, i'm just kinda feeling weird that he has these kinda songs in his iPod, made me realise it's been sometime since i was last in the car with the whole family and heard Dad randomly sing some oldie song on the radio and thinking wat the hell kinda song is he singing. Much as i hated those rides, i miss them cause it always meant going somewhere, and usually Mama hse. Now whenever i'm in the car i'll get chased out so yeah... Back to more "busy" stuff, Sports Ambassador workshops are this coming weekend so for whoever signed up pls pls pls remember to attend the briefing 2mw, and the workshops consecutively =)

Welcome back...

2009-02-25T22:25:00.002+08:00

Its funny, the part where i really feel like i'm a retainee is when i run for PE again, its really the same exact things that they say and everything else, i'm actually brain dead now but i feel like blogging, i've got body aches now cause its been donkey years since i last ran so yeah, and somewhere here i lost my train of thought cause i'm really that tired... Maths 2mw... argh... somehow i just hope that our proposal will be successful, i wanna do something for the MI carnival... other than selling tickets of course haha, manning a stall is way easier than having to sell tickets, economy is bad therefore ppl are less willing to part with their cash but in all seriousness, they should start spending so that the money will be swishing around in the economy and then maybe it won't be so bad anymore. Yes i took this idea from someone else haha but it makes sense nonetheless haha